I Am Empty

02.17.24

I AM EMPTY!!!! I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE!!!!! That feels so good to finally say.  For almost a month now I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I thought it was grief (cause let’s be honest it is kicking my ass, but we will get into that on another post), I thought it was PMS, even googled it (we all know what google says lol) but none of it felt right. It was not until today that I realized I am empty. I have been pouring out from this empty place for a long time and I have officially run dry. I have been trying to figure out what will replenish me, and I cannot think of anything. Nothing brings me true joy anymore, sure there are moments of happiness, but it does not last long. I just feel like I am here. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, where did I go wrong, what happened, and it really boils down to…. I have no idea. Maybe it is because I put everyone else before me, maybe it is because I struggle with saying no, maybe it is because I don’t really know how to do self-care…..

I JUST DON’T KNOW AND THAT HAS TO BE THE MOST FRUSTRATING PART OF IT ALL IS THAT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! BEFORE TODAY I COULDN’T EVEN PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT THE ISSUE IS.

All that I can truly say is pouring from an empty place is exhausting…..

02.24.24

After 7 days, I can say that I somewhat feel the same, but I now know is because I haven’t stopped to really spend time with God. Call it cliché or whatever but it is my truth. I created a prayer closet last year and I have been in it maybe 3 times. I haven’t spent time in there much because I am angry. I felt like I could not take my anger and go to God because let’s be honest, I am angry at Him. It is truly a hard pill to swallow to know that He is the one in control but yet your life feels out of control. As much as life seems chaotic to me, I know that it isn’t chaotic to Him in fact it is what He has planned for me. I keep seeing these memes saying something along the lines of God I didn’t sign up for the strong soldier packet this year and it is how I feel. However, today as I was sitting in my bath there was this overwhelming feeling of gratitude that came over me and I couldn’t help but say God thank you for trusting me with this chaos. I may be angry, frustrated, depressed, and everything but happy but I know He is going to work it out for my good.  

I still feel empty but when that feeling of gratitude came over, I began to feel less empty.

Authentically Us,

Samantha & Carl